For as far back as I can remember, I have heard the phrase that one should love themself. In my youth it was never something within my realm of consideration. A proverb that I would quickly dispel from my mind with a chuckle of my own ignorance in thinking that it was just some stupid message that was found in self help books to give people some intangible, imaginative way for them to feel good about themselves. I was young, I was bold, and I was sure that I would never need to give the concept any more energy then what it would take to simply shrug or shoo its utterance away any time I found it in the air around me.
Fast forward twenty years, to a time where much of my callous youth has been shed like the dead skin from a snakes body. To a time where life has humbled some of my foolish notions of how the world works, and what humans need in order to be successful while swimming within its waters. Seeing reality through a shattered lens that once seemed to provide so much clarity, has since shown me such a completely different perspective. I've lived, I've loved, I've lost. I rode the roller coasters of life to the tops of personal mountains that I never thought I could summit, and I've almost drowned in what at the time I perceived as vast oceans, the size of which now I can see were only mere teaspoons.
I've expanded my horizons, I've continued to grow, albeit stubbornly, and at many times, though never admittingly, needing much help or assistance along the way. I've reconsidered many views that I once previously held, and considered even more that I once never would have given so much as a second of my time, or allowed a single neuron to fire thus denying it's formation into something even as simplistic as a fully completed thought. I've read countless books diving into areas that I once rolled my eyes and laughed at, and I've found the buried wisdom within their pages. From them, I've collected many cherished words of resonation to which I now even hold dear.
Though through it all, whenever I reflected back on that once laughable proverb, I've found that what once served only to amuse the bravado of my ego, had since become a deep curiosity that burned ever more fiercely, as its meaning continued to wear this shroud of concealment that seemed incessant on keeping its essence hidden from me. "Love Yourself"... What does that even really mean? As my life has progressed, as my views have expanded, I found myself giving this phrase more space in my mind now, than I had over the last twenty years. Was it even a real thing?
I know what it's like to be unrelentingly tough on yourself. To feel what it is like to try and live up to preconceived notions and standards that you've set for yourself, or those that have been set for you, about the world, and all that you see around you. To even believe in some of them with such conviction that you know what it feels like when a piece of your own soul was forced to bend, or even shatter when trying to fit within the confines of those tight molds. I've loathed myself, and felt like a failure when the tides of the impossibility of meeting those expectations sometimes pull you into their current, humbling you, as your forced to watch and feel, as they come crashing down, falling from the ridiculously high pedestals you had once placed them on, all around you.
It was during these times, I'd thought that perhaps that was the true meaning, perhaps, loving yourself can mean giving yourself the freedom to occasionally fail. To look at failure not as a detriment, but as the learning experience that it was. To replace the feelings of shame and guilt, of letting others or even yourself down, with feelings of pride and gratitude for gaining the insight, and learning the lessons that only the experience of failure can provide. To think like Thomas Edison did when he said that he had not failed a thousand times when creating the lightbulb, but instead, had learned a thousand ways that a lightbulb would not work.
The more I thought about it though and attempted to fit that ever so illusive phrase into that paradigm, no matter how hard I had tried, even to force it, it still wasn't able to take the proper shape. Something about it resisted, denied from taking any true form of adaptation, it instead seemed to more naturally align to something much different. A metaphorical ship sailing somewhere closer to the seas of synchronicity, as it was pushed away by tides that originated in oceans of certainty. There still seemed to be something missing, something more that was laying just beneath the sands of obscurity. Its true meaning, true definition still masked in some form of obfuscation from which I had seemed unable to uncover. Loving yourself had to be more than just hiding your own self doubt and even failures behind a thin facade of self acceptance. Didn't it?
I had continued to ponder, now my curiosity almost completely transformed into raw desire for true understanding. A puzzle of which my soul was relentless in pushing me to uncover. Then at a most unexpected time, in a most unexpected place a speck of real meaning, a glimpse of its truest form revealed itself to me.
I was on my way somewhere, and had just stepped off the tram close to my destination. I had been reading on the tram and had a single page left to finish the chapter I was on. I wasn't in a rush at the time, so I stepped off the tram, and walked the short distance to the tall brick colored station, to an area that was away from the foot traffic of people departing and boarding the trains so that I could quickly finish the chapter before heading to where I was going. Three minutes later, I put my kindle away, and then looked around to once more take in the view of the beauty of the city that surrounded me when it happened.
As I swung my backpack over my shoulder, I happened to notice a woman who was walking slowly, looking into the camera of her phone. She had been using the camera as a high tech mirror, watching the reflection of herself as she moved her hair around and pulled her eyelid down, perhaps to reseat the position of a contact lens or to nudge free a dust particle or a loose strand of hair that had been pressing on her eye. I didn't really think anything of it and was just about ready to start walking as I made a few minor adjustments to my backpack, ensuring that it was properly adjusted and seated comfortably on the small of my back. Just before I turned to walk away I saw the woman release her eyelid, blink a few times, and then give herself a small smile. That tiny, momentary, insignificant smile sparked a small epiphany within me, a mineute moment of potential understanding.
She wasn't talking to anyone, or taking a selfie of herself. She hadn't smiled for the benefit of any other living human being, instead she had smiled at herself, for herself. As I started to walk away I thought about that for a few moments and wondered if I had ever looked in the mirror and smiled at myself for no good reason. The more that I had thought about it, the more that I realized that I don't think that I had. I couldn't recall a single time in my life that I had just caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or saw myself in a photo, or reflection and just smiled at myself because the sight of me just overtook me with a sense of happiness even for just a mere heartbeat.
I've often heard people boast about how they knew that they were a stud, or that they were attractive. Even I had boasted that I was amazing for this skill or that, a time or two in my life. But at the end of the day, those types of gestures, even when doing them myself seemed to be a facade of some sort or another. People that are either trying to make others believe that they are the things that they say, or as in my case, many times, more of a plea, a subtle ask for acceptance in some capacity or another. It is very difficult to see a person that has peeled away all of their facades and is just being their true selves. That moment was one that seemed to be just that. For that instant it had seemed as if that woman was not trying to project herself as anything. For that split second her intention was simply to clear her eye, and when she did, what she saw made her happy. What she saw was just a vision of herself, her own image staring back at her, and that alone had been enough to make her happy.
By the time I had gotten to where I was going I felt almost inspired. I felt like for the first time I could almost understand what loving yourself really meant, or at least one form, or aspect of it. Years of reflection that yielded no apparent insight had become a darkness, from which I now could see a sliver of light. It was as though I could almost feel like the impossibility of understanding shifted into a comprehension that loving yourself is not one single thing. Loving yourself, can be as simple as being easy on yourself, and treating yourself with a level of respect and understanding that perhaps nobody else will. Loving yourself can also be tied to self care, in taking care of the vehicle that you currently are using to live this life. But those types of things, while I had heard them before, and had grasped those concepts previously, had never really resonated with me. It felt like the brother or sister type of love at best. Those definitions of self love had always left me feeling just a little empty, almost like there was still something missing. My perspective was broadened in that moment to see what that piece was.
So while I can appreciate that the definition of self love is perhaps an ever evolving one, that it may take me another twenty years to uncover all of the aspects of what that phrase really means, today I stand basking in a new level of understanding that I didn't have before. I recognize a deeper meaning, a definition that really does resonate from a place of natural interpretation. Looking forward into the future, this reflection will provide me the guidance and perspective that I needed so that in the future, if anyone ever asks me this same question that I have asked myself a thousand times before of what it means to love yourself, that I can perhaps provide a meaningful answer.
Loving yourself is much like any other relationship that you would have in your life. The difference though is that where you may feel differently about different people, where you love your brothers or sisters, mother or father, children or pets differently than you would love someone that you were involved in a more intimate relationship with, all of those ways combined are how you should feel about yourself as well.
You should extend the utmost level of respect to yourself. You should care for yourself. You should not be too hard on yourself even when you feel like you've failed, or you feel like you are not good enough, or are riddled with self doubt or find yourself in awkward or uncomfortable situations. Be understanding with yourself. Give yourself the same level of guidance and support that you would want to give to family or friends, or anyone else that you cared about and wanted to help in a time of need. Set and more importantly respect your personal boundaries. Understand it is ok, in fact it is vitally important that you sometimes put yourself and your own needs, above those of others.
Do all of those things. But don't forget the more intimate side of that relationship also. Be sure to do whatever it is that you need to in order to make you feel happy enough to smile at yourself with a genuine feeling of joy whenever you see your own reflection. Ignore what anyone else thinks, ignore the opinions of anyone else that tells you what they think that you should do. Instead do whatever it is to look and feel so good, that your own smile will make you feel just as good as you would feel if it were your soulmate staring back at you. Look at yourself with that same excitement, that same astonishment, and that same feeling of wonder and amazement that you would give to someone that you love or could even imagine to love more than any words are capable of expressing. You should feel as you are... which is, that you and you alone really are, the most important person in your life.
Comments